I wrote this a few days ago to one of my heart friends in Berlin:
A blessing is coming.
My life will change completely in 2017.
2016 was nostalgia. It was a reminder of the things I wanted, and dreams I had forgotten or ignored. It was the reminder, and then the slap that they would never happen. The slap still upsets me. But for a very sweet brief moment, i thought for the first time, and believed for the first time, that my dreams could come true. That love and happiness, purely-that heaven on earth could be real. It really could. There are people in the world who have that. Just not me.
My dreams are dead. They will be burned.
It’s time to make space for new dreams.
I can’t expect a good relationship to happen just because I exist.
I will be alone in Vegas, even if anyone else comes.
You’d think by now I’d know better. You’d think that I would have learned to be careful. But I get feelings, and I misread things. I know nothing. And yet people come to me. I have crystal perfect vision for others, and none for myself. None. It hurts so much – to taste the dream, not even the reality yet, the dream for what I wanted in my life, to have it taken away almost immediately. I could have done without the fucking reminders. Because they came to me, and gave me hope again, only to have it taken away.
And yet, I’m there. Always the friend. Always the one to be turned to in times of need, and then immediately forgotten. Immediately. I want to run away and I can’t. This is my life. And this is one time, where I will not run away, because my obligation is too great. I love him. I always have and always will. It’s weird that it’s become more now, adn I’m kicking myself. I didn’t even try to. I didn’t even want to. And then it happened. In the cinema, he asked me something, and I knew something was different. And yet he still wants her. He will always want her. We all try to correct past patterns. And once again, I am after someone emotionally unavailable. THis sucks so much. It hurts so much, and I have no one to talk to. If I say anything out loud, it will ruin everything. What the fuck am I thinking.
I have to wait for this to pass. One day I will be really grateful that this didn’t work out.
I just could have done without the fucking reminders.